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Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Best of Headlines Part I

I am throwing together a bunch of headlines that I did last year during my first six months of blogging. I apologize about the broken links. The news sources don’t keep their articles online very long.

Here are the very first three headlines I ever wrote. Good times. Good times.
FDA Reviews Ban on Silicone Breast Implants
Vow to personally examine hundreds of breasts

Hidden Fat Could Mean Heart Disease Risk
Exposed obvious fat safe though.

Earth's oldest known object on display
Dick Clark does performance art

Here are some others.

B.B. King Monument to Be Built in Arkansas
Aging Blues man says "Don't need one, not dead yet."

Cruise Ship Returns After Wave Damage
Passengers now encourage to use "Tomahawk Chop" to show enthusiasm

New Sensors Detect Speech Without Sound
Improvement over Democratic sensor which detects speech without thought.

Canadians take many roads to Rome
All Canadian roads to Rome eventually end at huge body of water called the ocean.

Woman, 90, Grabs Bobcat's Tail to Free Cat
Goldthwait says "Lady, Let go my butt! I don't even have your stupid cat"

Rehabilitated Dolphins Released in Fla.
Sea World praised for their aquatic 12 step program - Next is shelter for battered fish.

Like opera, striptease is art, Oslo court rules
Unlike opera, in striptease nobody wants to see the fat lady sing

Next-Generation Xbox to Be Media Hub
Picard hopes it will keep Wesley off the bridge

Some Say Laughter Is the Best Medicine
But just try getting a prescription for it

Iraq PM suffers cabinet setback
Needs 8 X 1 1/4" screws to hold panel A to right side

Crocodiles put rangers on high alert
Clerics, bards and magic-users failed their saving throws and are on normal alert

China recalls Japanese germ warfare experiments
So if you have a Japanese germ warfare experiment issued between 1998 and 2001 please return it to China for replacement or refund

Pizza delivery ends prison siege
Crisis ended when Dominoes delivered 2000 large pizzas with extra armed guards on them

Good news on severed goat heads: Satan not involved
Prince of Lies thanks newly acquired Johnny Cochran for clearing his name

German senator douses homeless man with wine, quits
He realized he didn't have all the ingredients for Bum Flambe

Twins Seeing Double Once Again
Bush says he'll take keys to the liquor cabinet next time he leaves country

Jowell wants Bond to stay in UK
African Americans raise funds to ship Julian to London

Drug That Treats Diarrhea May Prevent It
Company investors expect high liquidity at first followed by a solid performance

Angry jailers massacre inmate's pet pigeons
No explanation given for sudden coo

Cruise Says Holmes Is 'Magnificent'
Actor fondly remembers late porn star's biggest moments

Florida Man Accused of Poaching Alligator
Says poached alligator crucial ingredient in alligators benedict

Texas Family Finds Baby Opossum in Toilet
Dad remarks "I don't remember eating that"

Obesity Research Shows 3 Crucial Periods
Scientists identify these as breakfast, lunch and dinner

Rush Guitarist Sues Hotel Over Altercation
Spokesman Tom Sawyer said "While it was his Free Will to stay in the Subdivisions it was no excuse for such fly by night service."

Rain queen dies at 27
Dustin Hoofman's attempt to combine sequels to Rain Man and Tootsie big box office flop.

After Tsunami, Mothers Want More Children
After California verdict, so does Michael Jackson

FDA: Some Guidant Defibrillators Recalled
This came as no shock to some

King Tut is back in the US to wow audiences
Lots of new Tut merchandise in gift Cheops

Schwarzenegger: I'm Still Enjoying the Battle:
"Especially the crushing of my enemies, seeing them driven before me, hearing the lamentations of the women"

Bush Adviser Must Turn Rhetoric Into Policy
Bush critics to continue to work only with rhetoric

Bush Drops a Few Clues About Candidate
Democrats pick up crayon, notebook and sit in their big chair to figure it out

Lost Sappho love poem published after 2,600 years
"The poetess of Lesbos full of joy
Tis no mystery who this lass likes
How she envys the little Dutch Boy
With a finger in the dikes"

Man Reveals Reason for Shooting Postman
Seems he rang more than twice

Rat Study Links Aspartame to Cancer
Dieting rats beg for more funding to find cure for cancer testing

"Your Pre-Pregnancy To-Do List"
Has just 1 activity on it and you know what it is

Activists Want Circumcision Declared a Human Rights Crime
Law enforcement officials standing by awaiting tips

A Better Treatment for Head Lice?
Democrats who urged better treatment for Gitmo detainees now seek better treatment for other vermin

US singer Cohn shot by carjacker
Came very close to "Croaking in Memphis"

Kanye West Calls for End to Gay Bashing
Gay bashers everywhere cease activity. "We just needed to be told by some guy with a grammy."

Downey Jr. says 'I do'
"I do cocain, I do heroine, I do pot...."

Judy Garland's Famed Ruby Slippers Stolen
Clinton, Boxer, Pelosi, and other wicked witches questioned

Should Labs Treat Chimps More Like Humans?
Democrats say yes as they move to register 100000 new primate voters

Kate Moss Acknowledges Drug Use
By falling down, retching her guts out and babbling incoherently

Many Islands "Gone," Wetlands Gutted After Katrina, Experts Say
Looters claimed they needed islands and wetlands to survive

Mars getting warmer, may have quakes
Bush blamed for not signing Kyoto-Terra Meridiani accords

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1 comment:

Sniz said...

These are all really funny!